What does Cleatus currently have equipped?
Other than my great balls of steel, Cleatus has been changing up his valiant armor to fit the occasion. When preparing a nice meal, I prefer to dress appropriately: A chef’s hat blends marvelously with my Daedric Armor that I forged with my very hands (No tools required.), to really give an added flavor of Oblivion and horror to my gourmet meals.
When I’m simply out and about, you’ll usually find me striding with my head held high and an executioner’s hood wrapped around my face to give me a sort of Punisher, “Fuck off or I’ll slay you with my God damn fists, faggot” sense of attitude.
My tip to you, good sir, is to always dress to impress. Be this for a dinner event where you wish to show everyone how large your dragon-eggs are by wearing shiny armor and toting about your big, totally-not-compensating-for-something-else, fucking sword, or to scare the ever-loving shit out of loved ones and unloved ones (I’m looking at you, Lydia.) by wearing clown’s clothing and sneaking into their bedroom late at night.
Oh, I see what you did there…
It’s relieving to know that all of my fans indicate an understanding of my highbrow comedy. I would be quite stricken with a sense of confusion and nausea were this not the case. Thank you, my idolizing fan cloudsk8, for “seeing what I did there,” as you so cleverly worded it.
Cleatus McSlaughter doesn’t need any restrictions of physical laws or sciences. Cleatus McSlaughter stands in a pit of molten rock if and when he damn well pleases, regardless of Eorlund Gray-Mane’s incessant bitching about Skyforge safety policies.
It’s cute that this guy is so passionate about his one true love that he staked out in the middle of a tundra waiting for her to come home. It’s cute, but not exactly a sound plan when you take into consideration all the crazy and bloodthirsty bastards who roam these barren wastelands… Like me, Cleatus McSlaughter.
Needless to say, our little Romeo met quite the poison.
And by poison, I mean I cut him up and poured poison and lemon juice into his bleeding wounds in the middle of a blizzard. You’re next, Shelly.
On the side, Cleatus McSlaughter specializes in gourmet cooking and adhering to his slightly sadistic and cannibalistic urges.
Ever have those days where you wake up in bed next to two seemingly sleeping people who later turn out to be dead from alcohol poisoning?
Because Cleatus McSlaughter does. With alarming frequency.
I’ve never had someone watch me during intercourse with voyeuristic intentions, but I suppose if this guy is really that into BDSM, he can feel free to watch… He had just better not dare make eye contact with me. That always puts me straight off my game.
… Not to say I’ve made love to a lady when a guy is around. No way, that’s gay. I heard you go straight to Sovngarde for that. Well not me! I’ve never had relations with a woman while a man was anywhere near. Seriously. I swear.
DAMMIT, I’M SERIOUS! CLEATUS MCSLAUGHTER IS NOT GAY. BY AKATOSH, I AM THE DRAGONBORN! DON’T DARE MOCK ME.
If that makes this dude old-fashioned, I must be a God damn Neolithic caveman.
“Mr. Pony was galloping along.
Mr. Pony came across a drop so very long.
Mr. Pony believed he could make it.
Mr. Pony is now dead.”
PETA is going to get really mad if this keeps happening…
What is this, Jesus: Sea World Edition?
About As Told by Cletus McSlaughter
